On the Eve of Kindergarten

These are the moments that are surreal.  Kindergarten has come out of nowhere and slapped me in the face.  I've really been feeling like I want to write about all of the things that are going on in my head regarding this day.  It's hard because I feel very guarded here since so many people I know read this.  I don't want to come off as a "drama queen" and yet I don't feel like I could even do justice to how I'm feeling because of my lack of writing skills.  So I feel pressure to write something really moving but even if I come up with it my family (and by family I mostly mean my husband) will just roll their eyes at me for being so dramatic.

I also feel like I owe it to Madison and Jackson to document how I feel.  I have no idea how my parents felt about anything except for my high school graduation and dropping me off at college for the first time when my mother and I cried our eyes out.  This is a major transition in our lives and they deserve to know how I feel about it.

Anyway, I'm a wreck.  I can't remember if I posted about their last day at pre-school in June but I was a sobbing mess picking them up that day.  I adored that school and their friends, and their teachers will never be topped.  Ever.  Seriously.  They were over the top phenomenal.

I think there may have even been a time maybe a year ago or so that I thought I might not even be emotional over them going to kindergarten.  I would think of all the crying mothers dropping off their kids and sincerely didn't think I would react that way.  After the last day of pre-school I knew I was completely wrong.

Shortly after pre-school ended we went for an orientation at their new elementary school.  The four of us went.  As we sat in the cafeteria listening to the principle chat with us all and telling us what we could expect I found myself welling up.  I was completely caught off guard.  I was CRYING.  Not on purpose.  Not to get attention.  I was just overcome with realization that this would be the school that they could potentially spend the next 6 years of their lives.  This was a special place and it was very overwhelming for me.  I could see the little cafeteria line inside the door to the kitchen which of course brought back memories of my elementary school.

After that I focused on soaking up every minute I had left with them as my constant companions. Of course I had my moments over the past 5 years when I seriously needed a break from them.  There were times this summer when I seriously needed a break from them but the thought of them not being with me all day every day from now on is so traumatic and depressing for me.  I tried so hard to have them, I put my foot down about staying home with them even though it wasn't always financially comfortable, I spent so much time making memories with them.  They mean the world to me and they know it.  To go through that much effort over the last NINE years and to have it all taken away tomorrow (OK, that may be a tad dramatic right there but it's how I feel, damn it!) is devastating for me.

Yesterday I took them to their school for their screening which will determine which students are in what class.  When we arrived in the room it was a little hectic with all the teachers and students and parents there.  We were greeted by a teacher who after pulling their files and going through the whole "you must be twins" thing, confidently stuck her hand out to Jackson to shake his hand and said "You must be Madison!"  Laughter ensued.  It was awesome.  Another teacher came and took them into the next classroom where the testing was being done and another teacher brought me to a table where I had to fill out two sets of paperwork.  After I was done I had nothing to do but observe the room and by then Madison was already out at a table decorating a star that was to be hung on the wall.  Once again the tears were streaming down my face.  I had to get up to get a tissue.  I was at least glad to see I wasn't the only one.  I even saw a dad wipe away a few tears!!  Eventually Jackson came out to decorate his star and the two of them sat at a table with some of their potential friends.  They were all very quiet.  I ended up chatting with the teacher that took Madison and she had glowing things to say about her.  She's so eager to follow direction, very articulate, and drew the best person she's ever seen at any kindergarten screening!  I didn't talk to the teacher that took Jackson so I didn't get any inside information on him.

On the way home I somehow made reference to the fact that I was sad about them starting school.  I'm always so worried about what is too much to tell them and with this I don't want to put any negative ideas of school in their heads.  I made a snap decision that telling them how much they mean to me far outweighed giving them a reason to not want to go to school.  I told them I loved them so much and I loved spending time with them and that it made me very sad that I wouldn't get to see them all day every day.  I cried.  In front of them.

Since screening we've done a lot of talking about school and turns out Madison is VERY excited.  She is very vocal about wanting to go back and learn everything she can.  She loved the classroom.  Jackson on the other hand said "I don't want to go.  I want to stay home with Mama!"  Uh-Oh.  After explaining that he was going to bring his lunch box he was on board.

So tonight I spent hand-writing a list of 100 books that they/we have read (2x50), writing their names on their towels for rest time, their lunch boxes, their back packs, their pencil cases, their composition notebooks, their folders, as well as packing my first ever school lunch.  (whole milk vanilla yogurt, peanuts, and snapea crisps for Jackson and whole milk vanilla yogurt, raspberries, blueberries, and peanuts for Madison and water in their water bottles)  They had a bath before bed and after I put Madison's hair in curlers for her to sleep on.  I bought her new bows.  I haven't picked out their outfits yet which is the one thing I envisioned doing way ahead of time.  I don't even have any thoughts now.  I'll have to wing it in the morning.

Chris is on vacation this week so he will be with us for the big day/drop off and he sure as hell better muster up every ounce of patience he has for my picture taking because there will be lots!  Hopefully we will get some breakfast after?  Then I have a meeting with a wedding client so I'm really hoping that will distract me from wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.  Wish me luck!

Like it was yesterday...