On the Eve of Kindergarten

These are the moments that are surreal.  Kindergarten has come out of nowhere and slapped me in the face.  I've really been feeling like I want to write about all of the things that are going on in my head regarding this day.  It's hard because I feel very guarded here since so many people I know read this.  I don't want to come off as a "drama queen" and yet I don't feel like I could even do justice to how I'm feeling because of my lack of writing skills.  So I feel pressure to write something really moving but even if I come up with it my family (and by family I mostly mean my husband) will just roll their eyes at me for being so dramatic.

I also feel like I owe it to Madison and Jackson to document how I feel.  I have no idea how my parents felt about anything except for my high school graduation and dropping me off at college for the first time when my mother and I cried our eyes out.  This is a major transition in our lives and they deserve to know how I feel about it.

Anyway, I'm a wreck.  I can't remember if I posted about their last day at pre-school in June but I was a sobbing mess picking them up that day.  I adored that school and their friends, and their teachers will never be topped.  Ever.  Seriously.  They were over the top phenomenal.

I think there may have even been a time maybe a year ago or so that I thought I might not even be emotional over them going to kindergarten.  I would think of all the crying mothers dropping off their kids and sincerely didn't think I would react that way.  After the last day of pre-school I knew I was completely wrong.

Shortly after pre-school ended we went for an orientation at their new elementary school.  The four of us went.  As we sat in the cafeteria listening to the principle chat with us all and telling us what we could expect I found myself welling up.  I was completely caught off guard.  I was CRYING.  Not on purpose.  Not to get attention.  I was just overcome with realization that this would be the school that they could potentially spend the next 6 years of their lives.  This was a special place and it was very overwhelming for me.  I could see the little cafeteria line inside the door to the kitchen which of course brought back memories of my elementary school.

After that I focused on soaking up every minute I had left with them as my constant companions. Of course I had my moments over the past 5 years when I seriously needed a break from them.  There were times this summer when I seriously needed a break from them but the thought of them not being with me all day every day from now on is so traumatic and depressing for me.  I tried so hard to have them, I put my foot down about staying home with them even though it wasn't always financially comfortable, I spent so much time making memories with them.  They mean the world to me and they know it.  To go through that much effort over the last NINE years and to have it all taken away tomorrow (OK, that may be a tad dramatic right there but it's how I feel, damn it!) is devastating for me.

Yesterday I took them to their school for their screening which will determine which students are in what class.  When we arrived in the room it was a little hectic with all the teachers and students and parents there.  We were greeted by a teacher who after pulling their files and going through the whole "you must be twins" thing, confidently stuck her hand out to Jackson to shake his hand and said "You must be Madison!"  Laughter ensued.  It was awesome.  Another teacher came and took them into the next classroom where the testing was being done and another teacher brought me to a table where I had to fill out two sets of paperwork.  After I was done I had nothing to do but observe the room and by then Madison was already out at a table decorating a star that was to be hung on the wall.  Once again the tears were streaming down my face.  I had to get up to get a tissue.  I was at least glad to see I wasn't the only one.  I even saw a dad wipe away a few tears!!  Eventually Jackson came out to decorate his star and the two of them sat at a table with some of their potential friends.  They were all very quiet.  I ended up chatting with the teacher that took Madison and she had glowing things to say about her.  She's so eager to follow direction, very articulate, and drew the best person she's ever seen at any kindergarten screening!  I didn't talk to the teacher that took Jackson so I didn't get any inside information on him.

On the way home I somehow made reference to the fact that I was sad about them starting school.  I'm always so worried about what is too much to tell them and with this I don't want to put any negative ideas of school in their heads.  I made a snap decision that telling them how much they mean to me far outweighed giving them a reason to not want to go to school.  I told them I loved them so much and I loved spending time with them and that it made me very sad that I wouldn't get to see them all day every day.  I cried.  In front of them.

Since screening we've done a lot of talking about school and turns out Madison is VERY excited.  She is very vocal about wanting to go back and learn everything she can.  She loved the classroom.  Jackson on the other hand said "I don't want to go.  I want to stay home with Mama!"  Uh-Oh.  After explaining that he was going to bring his lunch box he was on board.

So tonight I spent hand-writing a list of 100 books that they/we have read (2x50), writing their names on their towels for rest time, their lunch boxes, their back packs, their pencil cases, their composition notebooks, their folders, as well as packing my first ever school lunch.  (whole milk vanilla yogurt, peanuts, and snapea crisps for Jackson and whole milk vanilla yogurt, raspberries, blueberries, and peanuts for Madison and water in their water bottles)  They had a bath before bed and after I put Madison's hair in curlers for her to sleep on.  I bought her new bows.  I haven't picked out their outfits yet which is the one thing I envisioned doing way ahead of time.  I don't even have any thoughts now.  I'll have to wing it in the morning.

Chris is on vacation this week so he will be with us for the big day/drop off and he sure as hell better muster up every ounce of patience he has for my picture taking because there will be lots!  Hopefully we will get some breakfast after?  Then I have a meeting with a wedding client so I'm really hoping that will distract me from wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.  Wish me luck!

Like it was yesterday...

I hate it when the kids get hurt!

I wrote about what happened to Madison tonight on facebook but wanted to share more of my feelings and how it all went down here so I'll start again.

At the gym the kids go to there is an upstairs balcony that looks down over the whole gym.  I always sit up there and watch them/work/chat with other moms.  Every time they have class they have to go to the bathroom in the middle of it.  There is a single bathroom inside the gym that we all can see but there is a larger bathroom that has a couple of stalls in it in a back hallway.  I don't know why but they always seem to leave the gym and go to the one in the back hallway.  So today I saw Madison leave the gym so I was keeping an eye to see if she came back.  It had been too long so I went downstairs and leisurely looked around for her.  There were a couple of coaches behind the desk and a bunch of parents watching kids from that room (directly below where the balcony is).  As I'm standing there looking out in the gym to see if she made it back out there while I was making my way down the stairs I hear screaming.  I hear it again and this time I realize it's really really bad.  I realize it's coming from the back hallway and then recognize Madison's blood curdling scream.  I said out loud in a panic "What is that?" as I ran past parents who could clearly hear the screaming yet just stood there.  I have to admit I 100% expected to find Madison in the bathroom with her leotard stuck and just screaming because she needed help (which would have been sad enough).  I burst through the heavy door to find her behind it holding out her hand to me.  As I looked down I seriously almost passed out at the sight of  the tip of her thumb as flat as it could be and white.  I was desperately trying to get her to tell me what happened but all I could get was that it was stuck in the door some how.  I whisked her up and out of the bathroom (where still no one had followed me to see what was going on), back past the parents who asked if she was ok.  I said "she crushed her thumb".  I went back around the front of the desk with a screaming child and no one that was behind the desk even looked at us!  I went around another corner to go to an office where I know someone usually is but saw it was closed up so I came back to the desk and finally had to say the words, and not in a nice way "I NEED HELP!"  That finally got peoples' attention.  One of the moms came right over and started talking to Madison.  She had me put her up on the counter and she took over.  I was nauseous and weak and since someone else was taking control of the situation (and doing a great job) I just had my arms around her with my face buried in her chest.  The lady was so good with her...telling her she was so brave (ugh, makes me cry just to write it), asking her to move it, etc.  Jackson's coach was with us too.  I think he had been off getting ice for her. Then I remember Jackson coming over to me and saying "Mommy, can I have a cupcake?"  I said, definitely no and he actually whined for it.  He's lucky I didn't go off on him.
Madison eventually stopped crying and I brought her down to a table with me where I sat in a chair with her wrapped around me just hugging her.  I was really trying to hold back the tears.  Jackson's coach sat down with us and as he put a bandaid on Madison's thumb told me a story about how when he was a toddler his mother  left him in his crib to go to sleep.  She was making him cry it out but it was taking too long so she went in to find him dangling on the outside of the crib because his arm was stuck!  He was trying to make my mommy guilt feel better.
I felt so horrible that I hadn't gone down sooner.  I still don't know how long she was stuck there unable to move.  Ugh, the things my nightmares are made of...
Eventually I brought her back to the bathroom to see if I could get a better understanding of how she got stuck.  She walked me through it all...She was in a stall.  When she was done she needed to pull up her leotard but didn't have room in the stall so she went out in the main part of the bathroom.  The big heavy door to the bathroom was propped all the way open with a door stopper.  Since it was open she wanted to not be visible to the hallway so she went BEHIND the door.  While she was in there she was leaning on the moulding of the door with her thumb in the small opening at the hinge of the door.  She inadvertently kicked the door stopper out and the door shut crushing her poor, teeny, adorable thumb.
When we went back out to gather our things a lady said "I hope she feels better!"  I realized it was the lady who had been helping us.  I said "Were YOU the one helping us?  I had no idea who it was! Thank you so much!"  She said "I know what it's like, you're knees turn to jello!"  I thanked her again and we all left.

I really hadn't looked at it and figured I should take a peek before she went to bed.  It certainly wasn't flat anymore!  It didn't look too bad but when I compared it to her other thumb you could really see the difference.  I gave her some tylenol before she went to bed so hopefully the swelling will go down.

Cape Cod August 2012

I'm just going to post about my most recent adventure with the kids and maybe work my way back since I'm so far behind!

This week I had a photo session scheduled in Falmouth.  Since Nana Fitzy lives in Falmouth I asked Nana if she would come down for a few days with the kids and me for a little vacation.  Might as well stay a while if I'm going to drive all that way for a session!  The session was on Friday so we left Tuesday after gymnastics.

That night we had dinner at home with Nana Fitzy, the kids went to bed and we watched the Olympics.  When I went up to bed this is how I found them on the cot.



The next day we packed up and went to the beach with Nana.  This is the first beach M&J ever went to.


On Thursday I suggested going to Martha's Vineyard (I can't believe it was two years ago I went with them!) so Nana came with us.  We had lunch at the Black dog.


We decided to hop on a public transportation bus to Edgartown.  They were handing out shark hats in celebration of shark week in honor of the movie Jaws being filmed there.


Main Street Edgartown


We ate ice cream with a view of Chappaquiddick Island.


The harbormaster gave us some bread to feed the ducks.  That was fun.  We ducked in and out of a few shops then got back on a bus to Vineyard Haven to take the boat back to Falmouth.



Waiting for the boat


We were all pretty beat when we got back home.  When I put the kids to bed that night they were in separate beds.  When I went up to go to bed this is how they were!!  They just melt me sometimes!




So turns out my client's family had the stomach bug and had to cancel the shoot on Friday.  So we packed up early and were on the road around 12:30.  We made a stop at Ikea to check out furniture and had lunch there.  That place is just amazing!  By the time we got back on the road we were stuck in lots of traffic.  :-(

Jackson's first floor routine

I just couldn't be more proud of my boy :-)

Gymnastics update

Since starting at Yellow Jackets in October-ish Madison and Jackson have both improved incredibly.
They were both in 1.5 hour class once a week and they actually look like budding gymnasts now!  The last session ended in June and I planned on taking the summer off so we could have an open schedule to do fun stuff.  I was also looking forward to a financial break.  Then their instructors asked if they would stay on and do a "team prep" session for the summer.  I said OK because they both said they wanted to continue with class.  Then I found out the class was TWO days a week.  I said yes again and even though my bank account is not happy about it it's been such a great thing.
For Jackson, he has gotten so incredibly strong over the last year that he is capable of so much more now.  I didn't want him to lose any momentum by taking time off.
For Madison, this team prep class focuses so much more on technic.  She eats it up!  She adores following directions and takes it very seriously.
Plus the classes are very small so they are getting a lot of attention.  In fact today and this Thursday Jackson will have a private lesson because the other two boys are on vacation.

Here is Jackson on the rings:
 
 Jackson learning the pommel horse:
 

This is Madison doing a pullover which I thought she would never be able to do because it looks so hard: