Worst Mom Ever :-(

I'm the worst mother EVER!!!!! At least that's the way I feel. Nana and Papa were here visiting and I decided to try to clip the twins nails since they were sleeping in each of their arms. I got Madison's fine then I went to do Jackson's and after one clip he started screaming!! I thought he was just mad that I woke him up then I decided to look and I had clipped the tip of his finger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got so sick to my stomach and I had to go away. It wasn't even bleeding when I looked at it but I have never been so horrified in my life!! Chris handled it from there and I went into the kitchen and sobbed!! When I pulled myself together I came back in the living room and he was bleeding like crazy!! Chris held a cloth to it for a good 20-30 minutes and it still wouldn't stop. Finally they decided to tape a small cloth to it. After leaving that on for an hour I wanted to check it again cause it had totally bled through. It wasn't actively bleeding anymore but we changed the bandage. They're in bed now. Hopefully it doesn't bleed through again. Jackson really was a trooper the only reason he cried was when Chris was holding his hand against his will. Once the bandage was on he took his binky and went to sleep.
I feel so awful!!


I added some new pictures here
Feel free to leave comments on the images. I love to read them.

VERY first picture of the twins

At the time of the transfer last July 22nd, the Doctor showed us a picture of the two embryos he was placing into my uterus. He said that in a couple weeks if I found out I was pregnant that I could have that photo. After getting pregnant I ran away from that place so fast you could see the cloud of dust I left behind me. Not that I wasn't grateful for what they had done for me...it was just too emotional to think of all I had been through in that building.

A girl/woman I went to middle school and high school with (Renee) happens to work at the fertility clinic I spent so much time at. A few days after arriving at home with the twins I received a card in the mail from Renee congratulating us on the birth of Madison and Jackson. Enclosed in the card was the photo I had put off calling for for 8 months and quite frankly had forgotten all about. It took me by complete surprise and I cried pretty hard.

Binkies of hope

I may have told this story before but if so it was a while ago. Plus now that we have children here safe and sound, I can't help but think of it and feel like the luckiest people in the world.

Throughout our years of trying to have a baby, we never wanted to jinx ourselves by buying something for a baby. We figured if I was never able to get pregnant, that item would be a constant reminder of what we couldn't have though we wanted it so badly.

After almost three years (probably just a little over a year ago before I started my first round of IVF), I realized that was a very negative way to think and figured we could use a positive reminder of hope. We bought a package of pacifiers at CVS. It was small enough that it wasn't in the way and to be honest it got shoved in our bathroom cabinet and I forgot about it.

After 4 very disappointing months of IVF treatments and 4 months off before another treatment we finally got the news we had waited to hear for over three years. I was pregnant. A few weeks later we found out that both embryos we transferred were still there and alive. I was pregnant with two!

Probably two months after that, I remembered the binkies we had bought. I went rummaging through the bathroom cabinet to find a package of TWO binkies. I know not everyone believes this, but it was at that moment that I knew all we had been through was meant to happen exactly as it did.

Now we are blessed with two amazing, beautiful children for those two binkies of hope.

Comparison #1

My mother scanned in my first baby picture that was taken in the hospital. I'm posting one of Madison's pictures. What do you think? I need to get a picture of Chris from his mom to compare to Jackson.

Photo of the day (sorry Shannon, had to steal your idea)

This photo is priceless and I SWEAR not staged!

Please continue to look at www.klgproductions.com/gallery/album73 for daily updates of photos. I'll probably make a new gallery for every month but I'll keep this updated on what I decide to do. You can leave comments on individual photos there...that would be nice.

The babies are great. They are extremely well behaved so far and don't give us much trouble. When one wakes up to eat we get the other one up too and feed them both at the same time, then change them, then they go back to sleep. Three-four hours later we do it all over again. Last night was our first night with no help from Nana or Grandma and I think we did pretty well. We'll see how we do alone tonight!

I have to give kudos to my amazing husband. I never had any doubt that he would be a wonderful, caring father, but he has exceeded my expectations. He talks so sweetly to them and loves them so much it makes me cry just to think about. There is no job he won't do and I cannot tell you how many times a day he tells me how proud of me he is for all I've been through (trying to conceive for over 3 years, being pregnant with twins, bed rest for 8 weeks, recovering from c-section, and now PPD), how beautiful I am, and what a good Mommy I am (even though at times I don't feel it with this damn PPD). My medicine is making me feel totally better so I am able to enjoy these miracles I waited so long for! I still couldn't do it without him though. I have much to be thankful for :-)

Photos

I put up a few more photos from the hospital. The first pages is pretty much the same but I labeled more photos and put more up on the other pages.

www.klgproductions.com/gallery/album71

Pictures from the day we came home and after can be seen here

www.klgproductions.com/gallery/album73

On the Monday before I went into labor I had a student photographer come and take pictures of my belly. She did an amazing job! I was so happy to get the cd's in the mail the day we came home from the hospital. You can see those photos at

www.klgproductions.com/gallery/album72

Birth Story

On Friday March 16th, I started having contractions much more so than usual. We were in the middle of the worst snow storm we had seen here all winter. Our driveway was literally snowed in with about a foot of snow. Around 9pm the contractions were 7 minutes apart so I called the doctor and she said we should come in. I got up and packed some stuff and Chris went out and shoveled a path to the car. Luckily we have 4wd so we just plowed through the rest. The hospital is only 20 minutes away in Boston but with the horrible roads it took us over an hour. We registered at the hospital at 12:30 on March 17th. They determined I was indeed in labor and far enough along in the pregnancy that they could go ahead with the c-section. At 2:45 I was in the operating room where they gave me a spinal to numb my lower body. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Once I was laying down Chris came in and they started cutting. At 3:02 Jackson arrived weighing 5lbs and 18 inches long. When I heard his cry I started bawling. It was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard. Madison soon followed at 3:03am weighing 4lbs 15oz and was also 18 inches long. She took a little longer to cry so I was a little worried but soon I heard two fabulous cries. Chris left my side to go see the babies and he cut the cords which he said he didn't want to do so I was proud of him. They cleaned off the babies and wrapped them up and Chris brought them over to see me. At that point I started feeling not so hot and I threw up. They finished sewing me up and took me to recovery on the stretcher while I held the babies for the first time. Once back in recovery I continued to throw up. I had to stay there for 3 hours while I got better. At 7am we were finally ready to go to our room. The babies went to the nursery and Chris and I were able to get some sleep for a few hours. Then Family started visiting. The babies needed no medical attention at all which I was very happy with.
We all spent 5 days in the hospital and we all came home on the 22nd (Wednesday) when I suffered from severe post partum depression. There was no denying it to myself or Chris...that's how bad it was. Hysterical crying, wanting nothing to do with the babies, completely freaked out, wanting to leave and not come back. It was the most horrible feeling I have ever felt in my life. To go through all I went through to get these two beautiful babies it felt so wrong to feel the way I was feeling. By Wednesday night I called the doctor and she talked Chris and me through it and even suggested I go to the emergency room. She called in a rx for an anti-anxiety medication. I called my mother to see if she could come over and help Chris for the night and she did. I tried to get some sleep while we were waiting for the rx. I took the med around 3am and was able to sleep the rest of the night until 9:30am. I found my mother in the nursery holding both babies and I had an urge to hold them so I knew the medicine had helped. I felt much better all day Thursday and was able to help out with the twins. They had their first doctor's appointment where they weighed 4lbs 10oz which is up from where they were in the hospital (babies all lose weight after birth and usually get back up to birth weight within two weeks). The doctor said they looked perfect.
Chris's mom (Nana) came over Thursday night to take a feeding/changing shift for us to get a few hours of sleep. She ended up staying the entire night and Chris and I were able to sleep for 12 hours!!! And she had to get up and teach in the morning! That was a lifesaver. I hadn't taken my medicine the night before and I ended up feeling great. Friday we took the kids to our office for everyone to meet. They were a big hit and people were tearing up...it was very sweet.
Friday night I started to feel a little depression again so I took another pill. My mom (Grandma) is here to help out tonight. We're having a little trouble with Jackson spitting up a lot so that's been a little hard. Madison is doing just fine though. It will be interesting to see what they weigh at their next appointment.
OK enough for now. Next post will be some links to pictures.

2+2=4

St. Patty's day babies...


Sorry it took so long to post. The internet connection in the hospital was not good enough to do anything.
Quickly for now I will post a link to some pictures. We are all healthy although mommy has come down with a pretty serious case of post partum depression...the worst feeling in the world.

This album doesn't have nearly as many pictures as it will but they are some highlights

www.klgproductions.com/gallery/album71

36 Weeks

I'm still here

Sometimes I forget that people rely on this blog to find out if the babies are born yet. When there is nothing going on I have nothing to share.

I had an checkup yesterday. Babies were perfect and Jackson weighed 4lbs 14oz and Madison was 5lbs 6oz. Over 10 pounds of babies in my belly!!

As of yesterday I have gained 21 pounds. Doc thinks I'll loose all that and maybe more with delivery! :-)

I was lucky enough to find another student photographer who was willing to come to my house and take pictures of my belly. I haven't seen the ones that were taken while i was in the hospital yet, but now that I'm home I wanted to see what other kind of shots I could get. So she sent me a couple for now. They look great and I will post a link to my gallery when I get the rest from her. She was very good and I think will have a great carreer. My mom had come by at the end of the shoot to take me to my appointment so we got some shots with grandma too :-) I was showing Chris the few pictures and he said he liked them all but the one with the toy block. I said "OH! I think that's my favorite!" He said "But what's with the '2'??". Wow. I hope you all get it!

35 Weeks

Here are some updated pictures of the nursery. The closet doors still need to be painted we just haven't decided what color yet.

Room update

My mother came over yesterday and painted the crown moulding and all the trim around the blue. It took forever! Thanks mom! Chris and I went in last night and had the rest painted in no time. I think it needs another coat so we have to get that done before we load in the furniture. We also got the glider rocker yesterday that was a gift from a group of Chris's family.